sensitive research - b 1969 - Page 2 - Genealogists' Forum

Olde Crone · #11 21-09-14, 21:08

Libby

Lots of accredited agencies here in the UK but they are extremely expensive and my recent experience is that some of the "best" ones are in fact worse than useless and create untold distress to innocent people.

*Is Allan still asleep? Surely not*

OC

garstonite · #12 22-09-14, 06:17

thank you all - sound advice ...she doesn`t know where her dad lives - only his name ....common sense tells me to basically not get involved - I will tell her that no-one can help if the father hasn`t given consent to a meeting and as we don`t know where he lives , we can`t contact him - does that seem the sensible thing to do ??

Asa · #13 22-09-14, 09:07

Garstonite, having done it myself I'd advise her to contact her local Social Services who will have a social worker to deal with it. I wouldn't use agencies or charities. The social worker will give you a counselling session (about 10 minutes from memory), you apply for your adoption records if you don't have them, wait a while, have another 10 minutes chat and get your file. They'll then offer to act as an intermediary and will write a letter.

Olde Crone · #14 22-09-14, 09:55

Asa

I think you'll find that social services don't offer this service anymore, they outsource it to one of the agencies. I may be wrong!

Allan, unless you are prepared to act as intermediary (and take the flak if it all goes wrong) then I would step away from this. However, there will be other people ready to help her who do not care about the consequences and that is a big worry. (I have actually seen on one site the advice to "go and bang on his door and embarrass him, serve the B right". OK if you just want vengeance, not ok if you want to forge a relationship.

OC

Asa · #15 22-09-14, 10:03

I'm not sure if they all have, OC but yes I know this happens now - I'd still advise going through SS as it works the same. Far better to use a professional intermediary than a friend imo if you don't want to do it yourself.

Merry · #16 22-09-14, 10:08

I'd be worrying she might find the wrong man if all she knows is his name. I'd say keep out of it and point her to the proper channels, as others have said:

https://www.gov.uk/adoption-records/...-birth-records

JBee · #17 22-09-14, 10:11

There used to be the Post Adoption Service that would act as an intermediary.

Agree with OC - you could get the brunt of any adverse reaction from bf. For every good result there must be many that turn out badly with repercussions. She must be warned and advised by an appropriate agency possibly even her adoption agency.

She may not like what she finds either and may come to bitterly regret her decision to find him.

He may be married and his family might not take kindly to any intrusion into their lives especially children or an only child who may ask why is she making this trouble and what does she want out of it?

Olde Crone · #18 22-09-14, 10:27

Asa - I've pm-ed you with details of the recent disastrous outcome of using a professional agency! However I concede they can't all be so unprofessional.

I have a friend who has a (grown up) son. He knows who his father is and indeed, they have a relationship. The father is a piece of undiluted rubbish in my opinion, but there you go. He has fathered an unknown number of children, some of whom he acknowledges (but has never supported financially).

Friend's son was at his father's house when the phone rang. It was a young woman who said she was his daughter. Daddy said "F off, I can't even remember your mother, the s*". This girl has actually had a lucky escape but of course I bet she's laid somewhere sobbing her heart out. Also, son is a bit worried that he has a half sister in the area and doesn't know who she is.

OC

#19 22-09-14, 10:29

Allan said in his first post that the father doesn't know that she exists. Unless it is done through a professional organisation the father may think that she is just a con/scam.

Asa · #20 22-09-14, 11:03

I'm guessing either the biological mother has told her who the father is or he's on the birth certificate/ in adoption files and in which case would know. If the info is from the biological mother., it should be fairly straightforward to identify him.

Obviously everything needs to be done with as much thought, care and subtlety as possible. Things haven't always worked out for me but I don't regret making contact all the same.